Yay for Improvement!
I’m feeling much better today than last time I wrote. The world always seems so different when I’m not depressed or maybe it’s that the world seems different when I am depressed. When I’m depressed past decisions seems like mistakes, my plans seem destined to fail, and every small thing I’ve done wrong seems like a utter failure.
Anyway a week and a half of taking better care of myself and thinking more about maintaining my moods did a lot of good. I need to keep up the effort if I want a complete recovery of course, but I’m pleased with the progress. Things really aren’t as bad as I thought they were last time I wrote, but well that’s just what happens when I get depressed. For example, I was thinking about leaving my old job like it was a failure or something bad, but it was actually a decision I made in my best interest after careful consideration. And I was starting to think I was developing a drinking problem that was going to mess up everything I’ve worked for, but really the drinking excessively was just a bad habit I fell into after I developed a less optimistic attitude than usual due to several factors, which you’ll find in the next paragraph. It is most certainly not something that is beyond my control and not that hard to fix. I’ve recovered from worse before. It’s definitely time to change course, but the damage was minimal.
This is the first time in a long time when I’ve really struggled to maintain my optimism. Sure I hit rough patches sometimes, but I usually go on believing it will work out okay for me. Things usually do. But a few more things went wrong than usual this time. After leaving my job (which bothered me some), many of the jobs I found that sounded interesting were military funded and thus out of the question for me since I’m a pacifist. On top of that, I was unable to get health insurance because bipolar is a ‘pre existing condition’ and I don’t lie. And maybe none of those things seem like a big deal, but it got me wondering whether I’m doing the right thing or just making my life more difficult for no reason.
I stand up for and by the things I believe are right even if it’s hard. I refuse to hide who I am even if people will judge me. I am determined to make the world see me for what I am and accept it. I know I’m different, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. I honestly believe a large part of the reason I struggle so much is because we live in a world that wasn’t made for people like me, and if I can just get people to understand, we can change it. I don’t think it will be easy. It will probably require more people than just me to adopt this attitude, but I think it’s possible. Normally I’d write all those statements with 99% conviction and blind faith it will all work out. That confidence is a large part of what keeps me moving forward. Prior to last week, I was probably at 20% and almost paralyzed by uncertainty. Today, I’d say I’m back to 90%. Hopefully soon I’ll be back to 99%.
On a more political note, I really really hope the part of ‘Obama Care’ that stops companies from refusing people with pre existing conditions doesn’t get shot down by the Supreme Court. It’s such an unfair rule. I’m sure it affects lots of people that are worse off than me. I mean seriously anyone who leaves a job or gets kicked off their parents health insurance that has had any kind of ‘serious’ problem in the last 10 years gets denied. It’s bull shit. On a personal note, I never thought I’d be waiting for a Supreme Court ruling that would have such a big effect on my personal life.
So now that my mood swings are on the mend. I should be under considerably less emotional turmoil and be able to resume my role as Voice of Reason rather than just being a ranting bipolar person.
Jane ‘Your Self Proclaimed Voice of Reason’